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Subject:oooooh sick.
Time:09:04 pm
Ewwww. I have the flu. Bad.

And I have two tests tomorrow, I've studied, but how much can you study when you're pukey and achy and so sleepy?


I hate it when funky stuff goes around.

But it seems I've given it to people. Whether I'm happy or sad about that, depends on the person.
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Subject:he's gonna jump
Time:01:09 am
Yea I have a new computer and yea I have the internet. wireless! So, I'm right now all comfy in bed updating. I really should be sleeping because I have to get up early, but whatever.




Those are pictures that I took out of my window. The last one is this really creepy thing, is that supposed to be JESUS? That's on top of the church on the corner. Everytime I see it I want to scream "He's gonna jump" and I don't know why. Probably because I'm mentally disturbed.


I'm still not feeling well. Been to the doctors and it's only making me more confused. But it seems I have spotting, or the pinks, as I call them, daily now. so instead of a monthy cycle I have a daily cycle. Spotting for a few hours. I have no idea what's going on but this is totally unacceptable. And...with all this going on it's just really hard to not think about the hard things like I may never be able to get pregnant.... I dunno.

Today was a crazy day in the city. First, today was the mayor's funeral and it was insane the amount of people who were lining the streets. They showed the funeral on tv. It was very sad, but not sad at the same time.
Then of course the Steelers opened up the NFL season. I could see the fireworks and everything great. I thankfully could not hear the music.
Also today, while driving past Mellon Arena I'm positive that I saw Malkin. Rookie camp did start today... yea hockey soon. So excited.

no one called me today and that makes me kind of sad. Lots of people were calling me yesterday, but I wasn't in the mood to talk.I  was really down and in a bad mood and I didn't want to take it out on anyone. well, I did talk to someone on the phone for a little while....sigh. I'm lost.
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Current Music:listening to the simpsons
Current Location:dubois
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Subject:I'm back
Time:08:27 pm
Current Mood:thoughtfulthoughtful
Well then Friends,
I haven't updated this thing in forever, but everyone else still seems to be updating theirs so I've been reading kiddies.


Part of me wanted to erase all the old entries, but I'm not going to. They're funny/painful which I guess is nostalgia. Jeremy and I are not together anymore...nothing scandalous, I just couldn't take the heartache anymore.

But on the brightside I have a stalker. A redneck, stupid, homophobic, bad dressing stalker. He has pretty eyes but to be honest they're too girly. I don't like boys with prettier eyes than mine.

Other new things? I've moved to Pittsburgh. I have a great apartment with a view of the city. I'm writing a lot and that's mainly what I'll use this journal for, and to bitch...

Bad new things? Having a lot of problems with my girly-ness. My endometriosis is back and I'm having a lot of problems with my ovaries and...everything. It's bad. It's never been this bad before. I'm being vague but I don't want to rant on here until I have a better idea what's going on.

Things that never change?


I still put way too much detergent in the washing machine and I always will. Pssst. Leave me alone
.

I still always fall asleep while reading, regardless of how good the book is.

I'm still a raving political lunatic.


There are still two groups of people those as smart as I am and those who aren't. Now time for my famous explantation, I don't think I'm better than most people I think I'm a better PERSON than most people. Big difference and it needs to be ranted about because of all the bullshit I've dealt with lately. I'm honest, I don't lie, I don't backstab, I don't create drama, I'm not an attention whore, I'd do anything for one of my friends, I'm deeply caring (I care too much), I wear my heart on my sleeve and I wouldn't change any of that because it leads to the most intimate relationships. Whether that be an intimate friendship or or an intimate romantic relationship.

My favorite things are still horror movies, hockey, snuggling, having my hair played with/playing with peoples hair, roses, hugs, great books, and naps. I'm a simple creature. Why do people drag this simple creature into such dramatic situation? Why must simple creature get bogged down by negativity? Oh right, I think it goes back to doing anything for someone that I care about.

Simple creature is hoping that all the scenarios at the Dr's office are off. If they aren't, hopefully someone will be there for me to do those simple things that make me happy.
I'm so positive even though I'm sometimes lonely, looking for someone who will put out what I'm willing to put into a friendship or any relationship. There are people that have that potential. I see good things in my friends.

But have you ever had one of those moments where you're looking into someone's eyes and you just have a startling revelation? No, not "I'm in love" but---you realize that you found someone who you think 'gets' you. And in my mind, having someone 'get' you is much better than someone 'loving' you. Now, I love all my friends but I don't 'get' the vast majority of them.


However, 'getting' someone can be a bad thing. There are a lot of people whom all it does is make them defensive. They don't like someone being able to read between the lines of what they're saying or what they're doing.

I actually like stuff like that. I want someone to call me on it if I'm being a shitty person or if I'm keeping something inside.


Uggg I am not going to get into specifics BUT the world would be a much better place if people truly learned how to take care of their own, inner needs. Not going out and looking for someone else to fill those needs or to make them feel good about being them. You should be your own best friend, you should work as hard as you can to take care of your body, your mind, and your spirit. This meditation is one that I've been using for awhile:


MAKING AMMEND

Benefits:
*Promotes psychological healing
*dissolves anger
*Encourages personal responsibility


WHEN
Try this meditation if you feel burdened by guilt or remorse because you have harmed others in the past


Preperation
list the people you have harmed, what you did to harm and your motivation for doing so.  Be fearless and thorough in your inventory.



Practice



1. Sit on a coushin or chair in front of your altar or your scacred space. Light a candle. If you believe in God or a higher power, ask him or her for guidance and courage for what you plan to do.
2.  Bring to mind the poeple you have harmed, what you did to harm them and why you did so.. Feel sincere regret for what you did.
3. Choose one person you have harmed  and write a letter telling them how you harmed them and why you did so. Express your regret and ask for forgivness.
4.   After you have written  the letter visualize your higher power smiling at you while looking on with love and compassion. Feel the warmth of His or Her acceptance and support in making ammends with the person you harmed.
5.    Decide whether you are going to contact the person  or let your letter suffice, After you make your decision, feel the guilt evaporate. Generate good wishes, love, and compassion for the person.


END YOUR SESSION
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Current Music:radio
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Subject:My tits.
Time:01:34 pm
Current Mood:draineddrained
Jeremy got here around 3 or 4 yesterday. It was too late to go to the movies, instead we went to the mall. I had to buy some things for work and I got this great book of cocktails that I am just *dying* to make. One is called a Fluffy Duck, oh my. Needed some PEP so I got a banana monkey---which is expresso, chocolate, and lots of nummy stuff. Gave me my zing---got dressed and went into work.

It was so dead. I had about 4 people at the bar the whole night. There was a group of 3 guys that talked my ears off and stared at my tits. Bastards. Oh well. I'm just glad I wasn't the waitressing because they were really busy--- which did make me busy since I was getting the drinks, I just wasn't busy at the bar. I was only there for about 2hrs---had a drink then I went back to my dad's. Jeremy was napping. Got him up and we went to Perkins. Then ran to wal-mart, then went back to my moms and I fell asleep----got up this morning, went to perkins for breakfast (hahaha) and that was it. He had to head back to Somerset to work. I won't see him again to Tuesday night, which is fine because I have a final that I need to be studying for.

I really need to get ahold of Frankie---want to see if he wants to have a party down at the cabin for the 4th of July.  Now, he's not allowed down there since he invites his out of control friends--- but we know how to act like humans. This isn't going to be the place for his highschool friends to drink, do drugs, and fuck.  I can't believe that we've been going there for 4 or 5 years now. Lots of good times--- it's strange thinking back on how much my life has changed since I was 16/17. It's strange thinking back on the person that I was when I was that age. Memories.....


I miss hockey still. Phantoms are leading the series I think 3-2. Hopefully they'll lose. Bastards.

But in reality October isn't that far away. Then the Nailers will be back, Baby Pens will be back, and hopefully the NHL.

Blah.Blah.Blah. Have nothing to talk about.
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Current Music:my tummy growling.
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Subject:Rainy Saturday
Time:11:27 am
Current Mood:awakeawake
Just a rainy, crappy saturday. My mom's computer was messed up and it was telling me that it was June 1st and I was like *holy shit! my rent is due!*. Then I remembered, ....it's May 28th. So yeah, my rent is due in like 4 days that isn't really that less scary to be honest.


Yesterday was the last day of Newman's class. He had us all worried about this 'oral exam' that he was giving us, but it was painless. He just asked us a bunch of riddles---it was hilarious. But at first we talked about the double edged sword dealing with womens reproductive issues. He didn't know that you couldn't get your tubes tied until you were in your early 30's and had a child already. So we were complaining about the 'system' that tells you "abortion is wrong, use birth control, don't get pregnant." but then that same system allows pharmacies to not give you birth control and doctors won't tie your tubes. *BUT* men can get Viagara no problem and men can get vasectomies. Makes you think.

Ooooh the bill that would have removed 19,000 women from support combat rules has failed. Yes! The army stepped in. Thank God some people in this country have this thing called COMMON SENSE. What is with this country? I don't know. Seriously I *wish* I could be blind to all this stuff, my life would be so much happier---but I'm not. But let's not get into political discussions-- it makes my brain hurt.


Then I went back to my house to bid on the Surovy jersey. Which I won, as you all know. To quote Chandler from FRIENDS: "Oh, I'm going to miss being able to afford food." hahahaha, remember that episode when Monica bought those boots?
Hahahaha, alright I'll be able to afford food fine. Since I eat at Sheetz and cook stuff from Super Wal-Mart. Which is a banging deal. Seriously I made two filet's, fried pots, and this awesome french bread for 2 people for $10. Ok, *I* didn't make it---Jeremy did, but whatever. But that is also why super wal-mart *is* the devil because soon I will not be able to shop anywhere else because they will all be out of buisness.


Came up to DuBois and went to get something to eat with my Mom. Then had to go buy a new pair of black dress pants and a white shirt for work. Ooooh my wallet it groaning...why am I too old for my parents to try to buy my love? Come on, they're getting a divorce---who loves me more...show of bills?!?! Yeah, I am the worst ever. I know.


Work was pretty easy despite the fact that everything behind the bar was giving me shit. The one tap kept spitting foam at me...the other one was tapped. The register hates me. But last night was my last night of training. Come 7pm tonight I am one hot and sexy bartender.

After work I went up to my dad's. Eventually Frankie called. He wanted to go to Perkins. He said he'd meet me there but he was 'busy'. So he's like "no, leave in 15 minutes I'll be there by then." I left 50 minutes later and I still had to wait. Then Andrew and Boo-er came with us, we were all taking pictures of the inside of our throat with our phones. And Andrew has this AWESEOME picture of big frank eating a cheeseburger. hahahahaha. I was falling asleep so I left around 12:30 or 1:00am. We talked long about him moving in---I said if he wants to he can. I don't care. This fall I will be so busy with classes, work, and hopefully with seeing the nailers, baby pens, and pens. I miss hockey so much.

Jeremy is coming up here to spend the weekend with me, at least I think he is. I want to go see a movie---then I work. But I should be out of there by 10 or so, then we have the rest of the night together.

Welp, I'm hungry. Think I'm going to perkins. Yum. And I really need a carmel mocha ...double shot. Gotta perk up.
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Subject:Update
Time:12:25 pm
This weekend I'm going to work on my livejournal and that means making it FRIENDS ONLY. If you aren't on my list,wait a few days, and when I switch it over leave a comment.
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Subject:*head explodes*
Time:11:00 am
Current Mood:coldcold
*Head FUCKING explodes*

I had the most infuriating day in class yesterday---well not really, it *was* funny but it kind of lost its charm and it made my brain hurt. I don't know how it happened but we started talking about prisoner abuse. I was half asleep, like nodding my head until some girl said, "I agree with what they did and understand it." then she was asked to explain and of course she went into the whole "my boyfriend is a marine, thus I'm a giant seacow, and I know everything"

After this my ears perked up. Then she started going on and on about how she doesn't believe women have any place in the military. People were firing back at her about this---so she kept saying "That's not what I mean", So Newman was like, "So you don't think you have a place in the military?" And she goes "No, I don't think any woman has a place in the military" SAY WHAT YOU MEAN WOMAN. I hate it when someone says something that someone disagrees with (because it's ignorant) and they're like just won't come out, stand up, and say THIS IS WHAT I BELIEVE IN. If you did that, at least I would respect you. I basically just said that if we expect things like rape to happen in the military and prisoner abuse----that's one step closer to accepting it. And we can not accept it. Keeping women out of the military is NOT the answer to the problem and accepting prisoner abuse isn't either. Then she went back to "Well, my boyfriend says...." Speak for yourself.

Then Newman drops the 'bomb' all he said was "Abortion!" And of course, this girl is like "Oh no, don't even get me started." and I'm thinking...Please, don't. So she was asked what she thought about abortion and she laughed cockily and was like, "Simply? Keep! Your! Legs! Closed!" *ohmyfuckinggod myheadexploded*
I don't care if you're pro-life, that's great. I totally respect that. But don't make sex totally ok for men, but something totally dirty and derogatory for women. "Keep your legs closed" that's depicts such a disguting picture of sex. And for the matter I can have sex with my legs closed... THANK YOU!
That is my biggest pet peeve. People are going to have sex, and that's OK! Then of course comes the, oh a baby is so wonderful, but if you open your legs, face the consequences.

Do my ears decieve me?

Is it a WONDERFUL thing or is it a punishment?

I hate people like that. That look turn sex into a crime for a woman, seriously. Be pro-life! That's fine. But leave it about abortion, not about harassing and degrading women.

Ok, I'm done.

So the rest of the day I was thinking snide, evil things in my head...... hahaha, but how is that different from normal? I did so much homework. Wrote a paper. Did not start my research like I planned even though I have a bibliography due on friday for my term paper. BLAST! Had  a really shitty salad from Quizno's yesterday. That's just the kind of day it was.

My night class was alright, certainly went well for being like 3 hours and 45 minutes.


Broke my glasses. Which I need to be sexy while driving at night....legally.




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Subject:*cries*
Time:10:35 pm
Current Mood:sadsad
Last night I was so excited to see that the Pens were up 3-1 going into the 3rd. Then lost my mind went Surovy scored about 30 seconds in. It was his second goal of the night and he had two assists. Very excited. Game 3 he looked like his leg was hurting him a lot. Andy was playing amazing.... and then it happened. What it was, I can't explain. Other than it was a nightmare. Philly scored. 4-2. Philly scored again....4-3. I just *knew* it was out of control at that point. They were making these horrible turnovers, people were breaking their sticks, losing their sticks---and Philly just kept going for the throat. Pens lost 7-4. That's it, out of the playoffs..... It broke my heart, seriously. Especially since Surovy was having the game of his life. Woke up in utter disbelief. I never thought a team could do that in the playoffs---but Jeremy told me the Edmonton Oilers did it back when they had Gretsky, Messier, and such---they were winning 5-0 and ended up losing like 6-5. Hopefully the boys can learn from it. Just, after last year losing in the finals--- I was there the game they went down 3-0. It went into overtime and you could just tell that it was about to be over. I remember Koltsov just couldn't get the puck out, Orpik was scrambling...*sigh* Oh well. I love them regardless they are the future of Pittsburgh.... so on a happy note!







You know whose ass he is kicking here? Nittymakii's! grr! he IS the better goalie, hands down. I was at this game last year, one of the best moments in hockey ever. Hahahaha, he was such a bad ass.And I totally met that badass and chatted with him outside the war memorial.
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Subject:BAD DOG!
Time:02:19 pm
Bad dog! And by dog, I mean Jeremy. Last night he was so hard to sleep with. First he was snoring-- this horrible loud, gurgling. Then he was getting grabby, kicking, smacky----I was thinking, are there any other body parts you'd like to smack me with?!?! hahaha. He was shoving me off the bed....I was so pissed. I was about to go find a newspaper and SMACK him with it and start screaming "BAD DOG" and tell him to "GO LAY DOWN'....on the couch. Not even kidding. I finally fell asleep at like 5am when he started this, I had to get up after 8 for class.
I was a zombie. Had to go to turn in my topic for history. He asked for a specific thing---and I just rambled, hahaha I'm sure there was a topic somewhere in what I said. Fred has done really good on her quizzes (I'm called Fred in that class.....ermm....) well, I've done good until today. I swear I wrote 3 incomplete, incoherent paragraphs. Meh. I did perfect on the other ones, so I'm not worried and I'm going to nail my paper.


Yesterday was so long. I got up at about 7. Went to class---which was good as always. Just a lot of reading. The rest of the day I read a greek tragedy. All I wanted to do was nap, but people kept calling me. So I go to class at 6pm and we aren't done until about 9:45pm. We watched a production of the play we read and it was the worse thing I've ever seen in my life. It was trying to be authentic so with elaborate costumes and masks and it just annoyed me. Heralod looked like the jolly green giant, one of the old men looked like Osama Bin Laden, and the watchman sounded like Grounds Keeper Willy. To make it better it was totally authentic, as in MEN playing women---and this guy is like shaking his hips, waving his hands, like the worse drag queen ever, I'm thinking...have you ever seen a woman in your life? Argh. So that was one LONGGGGG class.

Fell asleep while trying to do my homework. Jeremy got at my place about 11:30. Wanted to get something to eat, I was exhausted but I love him so I went. And ended up getting sick---throwing up. NO idea what that was about. Think I was just tired, blech. Then I got home and he was tinkering with his new camera, and tinkering, and tinkering---then he fell asleep and I just never did even though I was so damn tired. I hate it when that happens...........




LETS GO BABY PENS! I'm keeping the faith! They *could* come back from this, they are the better team. They just need to stay out of the box. I don't want hockey to end......NO!!!!

But, at least the NHL will be back next year. Not sure exactly with who/what--- but that doesn't matter. I miss my Penguins. I love the Baby Pens, but they're the whole way on the northeast side of the state and I'm like---south-west-centralish....stuff. I dunno it's fucking far from Johnstown to Wilkesbarre. I'm totally pumped to do it for the playoffs but not normally, too tiring.

Also I HATE ARBY's. I went there to get lunch for me and Jeremy. Got a beef and cheddar combo and him a chicken, bacon, and swiss combo. I waited at least 20 minutes---because they were too busy filling orders of fat people in SUV's in the drivethru wanting 4 fucking beef and cheddars and like 6 regulars.. I kid you not. I was about to run back there, steal my food, and run out the door. So then they FINALLY call my order---I get home...nummy, nummy. FUCKING HAM WHATEVERS. bastards.
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Subject:damnit
Time:11:31 pm
Current Mood:boredbored
*sigh*. Jeremy's rather ill :( Now, neither of us felt good when we woke up monday morning, but I know that mine went away, so I just sort of figured that his did too. But, I guess he's been unbelievably sick since Monday. He called me this morning and he sounded bloody awful. I could hardly understand him. He said he was going to go to the hospital the other day, but he started brining congestion up so...apparently that means he's getting better. Not sure if I understand the logic behind that. I really worry about him. He's been so run down, stressed, and overworked---it was only a matter of time before something like this happened. He's spent the past few days in bed, so I hope that he's kicked it out of his system. Should be calling me in the morning---he has a lung infection at the very least, I can tell.

Kinda bummed because I had an amazing surprise planned for us this weekend. We were supposed to go to Pittsburgh, but instead I got us tickets to Game 6 of the AHL playoffs, Baby Penguins vs Senators. They called up Andy Chiodo! Thrilled! Game 3 went into 3OT's before Colby Armstrong scored to get us the win! Then the next game Andy had a shut-out. Baby Pens were ranked I think 7th, Senators are #2 (I think). We were down 2-0 but it's going to be a big comeback, I know it. Have a feeling that they'll take the series in game 6 on Sunday.
The seats I got are pretty banging. Center Ice. Club Seats. Eight rows up. I believe penalty box side. Not sure what I'm going to do. I told him the surprise, since I felt bad keeping a surprise from him while he's sick, haha. He said he'll go  and that he'll feel better. If he doesn't he wants me to go with someone else. I'd just feel guilty leaving him when he's really sick----but yeah I already paid for the tickets. I guess we'll just have to see. Sunday is still a few days away. The game is at 5:00. When we leave depends on whether or not we're in Johnstown or DubCity.

Had my post-op appointment Wednesday. It went alright I suppose. They're going to look into the hospital records to try to figure out what gave me that reaction, but they said it could have been a combination of the medicines that they gave me as well.
My throat is healing. There are still a few scabs back there and it's rather raw. She said it'll probably be another 2 weeks before it feels normal. That kinda sucks, although to be honest I don't really notice it all that much---but it does hurt. I have some scabbing in my nasal passage, which is why I keep getting nose bleeds. That should heal soon.

The scale at the Dr's office had to be off. I refuse to believe I weight that little. I mean I look crappy---but not that crappy. It weighed me at 102lbs. In reality it's probably right, hahaha I'm just being outraged and offended regardless. I *hate* be bony and sickly looking. Can't wait to be sexified again. Jeremy did say that I looked----like a starved version of my curvy self. My boobs---have been depleted, I am not kidding.
Jeremy still has droolingly toned abs under his tiny belly. Hahaha, seriously if he lost like 10lbs he'd melt into a Sex God. But I love him just the way he is. He just *can't* have a body like that, just like my ass isn't allowed to get any nicer. Damnit, we have other things to do.

My jaw is still sprained, what the hell! How long is it going to be until I can shove my whole fist in there again?

Ho-Hum. My digital camera is being a bitch---I can not get a decent picture of the rings that Jeremy gave me. Blast!

Hmm.... think I shall go to bed. Sleepy and my throat is kinda 'blech'.
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